Coocking with Harry Potter
by IveGotNoIdea
Summary: Final task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Starring: Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood and Hermione Granger. Guest starring: Lord Vader, Sauron, Lord Voldemort, Cthulu, Gargamel and Dumbledore.


**Author notes:**

**This is parody.**

**This is my first work so I know it is quite bad.**

**I don't own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Smurfs or any other works or characters mentioned in this work.**

Cooking with Harry Potter

"Welcome to the Third Task of The Tri-Wizard Tournament, our contestants are ready to start. I will now explain rules of the task. During the first part every contestant is required to create their own dark lord! To obtain dark lord contestants are allowed to use any methods available, be it dark rituals, summoning or even simple cooking (also known as potion making). To provide maximum security contestants will take turns, every one has up to one hour to 'obtain' their dark lord (or lady). Second part of the task is 'King of the hill' match, the Cup will be placed on the arena and for each minute any of the dark lords holds the Cup, his summoner will receive two points. The winner of the tournament will be the person with most points. And as for dark lords don't worry folks, they will fight for one hour, after that time they will disappear."

"The judges took positions and I have signal that we are ready to begin. Our first contestant is Victor Krum. It looks like mister Krum has bring some metal crafting utensils and is using small amount of gold. The gold is being melted and cast into form looking like a simple ring. Some freezing charms to speed up process and the ring is ready. Mister Krum is inscribing something on the ring, unfortunately I can't see it from here. Now we see some transfiguration, mister Krum has transfigured rock into some sort of warrior with spiked helmet and mace and has placed ring on it's finger."

'_My precious!' (Gollum-to-English translator: What the hell people? I was in the bathroom!)_

_'My precious?!'(GtE: Can't you even give me like five minutes warning before summoning?)_

"Oh my, mister Krum has summoned Sauron, for some reason Sauron speaks in Gollum's voice. I see judges agreeing that Sauron, even when speaking with Gollum's voice, does indeed meet criteria of dark lord. Misteer Krum is awarded 25 points for summoning Sauron in 42 minutes"

"Now let's move to next contestant, miss Delacour. In this case we have more traditional approach – a cauldron on fire and some ingredients. Let's see what goes there, a bit of Power, pinch of Forbidden Love, teaspoon of Jealousy and finally one large Betrayal. And now a bit of smoke for added drama and YES! Miss Delacour has made Dart Vader. Judges passes their verdict and miss Delacour can proceed on next part of the task. Less than five minutes, probably new record in summoning dark lords."

"Third contestant, mister Diggory seems to be using same workstation and miss Delacour. A simple cauldron on fire with some ingredients, unfortunately I can't see every ingredient that is added, I have recognized Great Plans, Teenage Yaoi Love and Great Power. Lets see how this works out."

"And again smoke for drama and... Albus Dumbledore? What an unexpected turn of events, lets hear what mister Diggory has to say"

'_It appears I have misread labels and added Guilt and Manipulation instead Genocide.'_

"Well, mistakes do happen, lets hear how judges decide to score mister Diggory"

_'I say we give him full 25 points, after all Albus you DO quallify as a dark lord.'_

_'Everything I have done was for the Greater Good...'_

_'Of Albus Dumbledore... yes we know, should I provide you with your record? Only past 15 years or so, first you set up You-Know-Who to kill Potters luring him with some fake prophecy, next you eliminate everyone that could take custody of Boy-Who-Lived, Black thrown to Azkaban without trial, Longbottoms in hospital. Potters will is sealed and Harry is placed in Dursleys care while you know very well that they hate magic and will abuse the boy. Which they did and will do because I'm sure you will send him there this summer. His four years at Hogwarts look like some sort of fantasy book! Going through ekhm... 'lethal' traps in his first year to save Philosophers Stone while you knew very well that Flamels kept it safe for 6 CENTURIES and countless Dark Lords or wars. Next year we have basilisk running loose in the school, it took 7 months and second year girl to 'discover' what type of monster can petrify people... and another second year Harry Potter to kill it. Third year looks like breeze compared to first two, after all we have 'only' homicidal maniac on loose (who hasn't been apprehended yet) combined with bunch of soul sucking daemons. Fourth year we have dragons, Merepeople and Dark Lord summoning rituals...'_

_'Madam Bones, Lady Longbottom if you know my plans why didn't you do anything?'_

_'Because after you finally manage to kill Potter and steal his fortune we will want our share for keeping silence. My son's stay in St Mungos mental ward isn't cheap you know...'_

_'And having reputation of not accepting bribes makes people not even trying to bribe me, those manors we have don't come cheap.'_

_'Lady Longbottom, you knew I set up your son for death and still didn't do anything?'_

_'Oh come on, with my son in hospital I could raise Neville by comparing him to his "_perfect"_ father, I 'm hoping boy will snap an become new dark lord, with his parents around that would be impossible.'_

_'So we agree that he can continue?'_

_'Fine, but I will only give him 15 points as I was never officially declared a dark lord.'__  
_

"I don't know what judges are talking about, but it seems they reached conclusion, mister Diggory is allowed to participate in second part of the task, but receives only 15 points for the first part."

"And now our most famous contestant Harry Potter! Again traditional start with cauldron."

_'Bone of the father, illegally from his grave obtained, you will renew your son!'_

"Ahh... classic Evil Nemesis Dark Lord resurrection ritual, I doubt that goblins will accept any wagers about what will come out of the cauldron"

_'Flesh of the servant, well cooked and seasoned, you will revive your master.'_

"It seems to be slightly modified, but wording was never most important part of the ritual"

_'Blood of the enemy, shaken not stirred, you will resurrect your foe.'_

"And it's ended, unfortunately mister Potter doesn't have most important ingredient which is part of the Dark Lord's soul. Wait, oh my, that had to hurt, Harry Potter just cut off his scar and thrown it into the cauldron! Could it be that legendary scar contains part of The Dark Lord soul? Yes... we have impressive pyrotechnics and Lord Voldemort is alive! Who would have thought that Dark Lords leave parts of their souls lying around left and right? Uhm... well, besides mister Potter and miss Granger."

"As we could expect mister Potter is awarded 25 points and his 'champion' can participate in second part of the task"

"Now let's move to our youngest contestant miss Luna Lovegood. Here we see simple mug with boiled water and small bag made of muggle plastic. Let me use omniculars to see what's written on it. Hmm... '_Instant Dark Lord, just add water'. _Well, this is certainly unconventional but rules are clear – any ritual can be used. And the effect is... Gargamel? Lets see what judges have to say."

_'Gargamel? Dumb'ol'dore you can't be serious about allowing him to continue? He isn't even a wizard!'_

_'Madam Maxime, while Gargamel isn't most dangerous dark lord around, he still IS a dark lord.'_

_'Most dangerous? That's an understatement! His greatest nemesis is a group of free house elves living in the forest!'_

_'I think we should allow him to continue.'_

_'Why is that Dumbledore?'_

_'Comic relief.'_

_'Fine, let him compete.'_

"And we have it, Gargamel will participate in second part of the task."

"So this leaves only infamous Weasley Brother, Fred and Fred George Weasley, who would have thought that simple act of changing one legal name could fool Goblet of Fire? Yes... I know miss Granger and mister Potter. What? She was the one who suggested it? The only reason you compete is because no one wanted to change their legal name to Harry Potter? Well, lets go back to the tournament. The Twins are using summoning ritual, they only have a book with them. It does look like Necronomicon... oh my"

_**'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!'**_

"Yes, as you can see The Twins have summoned Cthulhu... but there seems to be a problem, even I can spot it. Cthulhu is an Eldritch Abomination and rules clearly state that you need a dark lord. Judges have made a decision, Twins are awarded 10 points for completed summoning of Cthulhu, but Cthulhu cannot participate in second part of the task as it isn't a dark lord."

"Yes, we are sorry too. Maybe in next tournament we will have Elderitch Abomination battle."

***** Commercial Brake. *****

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Minister of Magical Healthcare warns: dark lords may cause injury or death to you, your friends or family. Use with caution."

***** Commercial Brake Ends. *****

"Now after commercials we continue to second part of the Tri-Wizard Tournament".

"The champions are taking positions, it looks like we will have two duels, Sauron vs Lord Vader and Dumbledore vs Lord Voldemort, no one is paying any attention to Gargamel. And it has begun. Lord Voldemort and Dumbledore are casting spells at amazing speed, on the other hand duel between Vader and Sauron doesn't look that interesting, they are just standing there and talking to each other..."

_'You do not know the power of the dark side'_

_'My precious!' (GtE: Dude... I've been dark lord when you were wearing nappies, don't talk to me about power of the dark side)_

_'No. __**I **__am your father'_

_'My precious?!'(GtE:What? Where did that one come from? We don't even live in the same universe!)_

_'Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy as father and son!'_

_'My pre... not taking this seriously, I'm out of here!'(GtE: You know what, if you are ...cious!)_

"Incredible, Lord Vader had annoyed Sauron to speak in normal English using his famous quotes... "

_'Do not underestimate power of quotes!'_

"Well, with that one duel taken care of, let's go back to fight between Voldemort and Dumbledore, they still seem to be throwing spells at each other."

**50 minutes later**

"And another killing curse blocked by another conjuration, and another killing, no wait, we seem to have some new development, Lord Vader got tired of waiting and is approaching duelers."

_'Excuse me gentlemen, but it looks like you are evenly matched and I still have to fight winner of your duel, so could you hurry it up? I'm already late, you know, galaxy to rule, rebels to quash.'_

_'Oh... I'm sorry mister Vader, we were so absorbed in our fight that we completely forgot about you.'_

_'True my boy, maybe you could redeem yourself while we fight?'_

_'I think it's a bit too late for that.'_

_'Nonsense my boy, there is always chance for redemption.'_

_'Even for me?'_

_'Uh... yes Tom, of course, even for you. You've murdered countless people, but even then there is small chance you can redeem yourself. I will gladly help you with that, then kill you and take credit for destroying greatest dark lord ever.'_

_'What was that?'_

_'No nothing, I was only saying that even you can redeem yourself'_

_'I on the other hand am impressed, how many did you kill to gain that 'greatest dark lord ever' title?'_

_'Well... I barely killed two hundred people, my all followers maybe killed a thousand or two, the 'greatest dark lord ever' that came before me killed thousands himself and made his followers kill millions.'_

_'It seems that I don't understand concept of 'greatest dark lord ever'.'_

_'Oh... it's just marketing ploy made by newspaper owners and Dumbledore, the fist want more money and dark lords evil deeds sell quite well, the second wants fame from defeating me, and let's be honest, defeating 'the greatest dark lord ever' will bring you more fame than defeating 'that annoying guy who kills mudblods'._

"And now... what? Dumbledore has conjured table with three chairs and it seems that our three dark lords... what? Oh right, two dark lords and one light lord are having a talk."

_'… and this year I put Harry into this tournament, I'm hoping that he will finally die and I can take all his money and properties for myself.'_

_'My master plan? This year I have placed spy in Hogwarts to make sure that Potter enters the tournament and wins it, after he grabs the Cup he will be portkeyed to me so I can use him in ancient resurrection ritual, exactly the one that Potter used to bring me to this tournament.'_

_'I of course now that Moody is your polijuiced spy and I allowed him free reign hoping that if Potter survives the tasks he will be killed by you.'_

_'Well, we had a little chat, but now we have to fight again, I must defeat you Dumbledore so Potter can get the Cup and be kidnapped to aide in my resurrection.'_

_'I'm sorry to break your fun gentlemen, but didn't that boy Potter just used the ritual you mentioned? And the fight will last no longer than one hour, which means we still have whole 10 seconds.'_

_'Wait, that means Tom was resurrected and...'_

"And it has ended, let's see scores:

**Sauron – 0**

**Darth Vader – 0**

**Cthulu – disqualified**

**Dumbledore – 0**

**Lord Voldemort – 0**

**Gargamel – 59 minutes?!**

This is most unexpected turn of events, lets see replay. Ahh... when all dark lords were busy with their duels Gargamel simply took the cup and left the arena, apparently no one explained rules of the task to the dark lords so they simply ignored the cup and concentrated on fighting. The winner of the tournament is Luna Lovegood!"

_'Damn you Potter! You have thwarted me for the last time! Wait, what did that gasping guy in black said? That Potter used... HA HA ha -cough- I have to work on my evil laughter.'_

"Now let's move to... wait, something is wrong, Lord Voldemort is still in the arena, he should be gone after time run out. Oh no! This means that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is alive! Get Harry Potter there to fight Him. What do you mean Potter left? He is supposed to be our savior! Without Potter there is only one thing we can do – RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

**About 1 hour earlier.**

"Harry, why did you have to summon You-Know-Who?"

"Relax Hermione, even if Voldemort survives the fight there are about two or three thousand people on those stands, including Dumbledore, bunch of Aurors, fake Moody and two or three dozen ex-Deatheaters. Those people will be more than enough to deal with one wizard, even if he is super powerful."

"Harry James Potter, I don't believe you said that! You know very well that wizards in Britain are sheep, they won't and didn't use their lethal weapons that every eleven year old carry to defend themselves. That's why they made up prophecies and have heroes like you or Dumbledore to do all the fighting for them. You as a Gryffindor should go there and duel Voldemort to the death!"

"Hermione, do you expect 14 year old boy with no special training to defeat several times older, more experienced and more powerful wizard?"

"You are Hero, Harry. It's your job to do this."

"Then consider this my letter of resignation. I'm leaving Hermione. You can either stay here where you will be third class citizen even if the Light side wins or come with me and Luna to travel around the world."

"I don't know how to tell you this Harry, but Potters are no longer rich. I checked and all muggle companies that your parents owned went bankrupt years ago, you don't have any money outside your trust fund and that can be used only for your schooling."

"I know Hermione, did you know that wizarding world follows gold standard? Single galleon which can be bought for five pounds can be melted into pure gold which can be sold for 600 pounds."

"There are enchantments on galleons preventing spells and non magical heat from melting them."

"Those enchantments work for temperatures up to 2500°C, muggles have tools that can easily reach 10 000°C. Believe me Hermione, I've been doing this for the past three years. I have more than enough money to make sure our grandchildren won't have to work."

"Wait, _our_ grandchildren? You want to have kids with me? That would mean s... s..."

"The word is _sex _Hermione, and yes we were hoping you will come with us as I don't mind sharing and it would make Harry very happy."

"Let me get some books, does that mean we could try this? And this? And maybe even this?"

"Oh yes, this is very funny, definitely this, oh my which one of us will play as..."

"Wow... I mean wow, I have never expected you to be interested in such things."

"I like reading and those are very good manuals for... you know. So how and when do we leave?"

"We have about hour before they notice that Voldemort wasn't summoned only for the time of tournament. So if you need anything to pack do this quickly and meet us outside the gates, we will take portkey to our yacht. From there you can contact your parents and explain them our plans."

"What about Dumbledore?"

"Don't worry about him, I told goblins to give him full access to my accounts and properties. He still thinks that Potters are filthy rich, when he realizes that my gold is long gone he will leave me alone. And when he doesn't have to plot my demise he can concentrate on war and plotting demise of rich Deatheaters. I'm quite sure that Draco will find himself under Dumbledore guardianship before next school year starts."

**And so they left. **

Harry, Hermione and Luna weren't bothered by British Ministry or Dumbledore. They have traveled around the world two times before settling in Japan. Luna became spellcrafter to make spells allowing the trio to try 'things' that Hermione has found in Japanese adult publications. Hermione got mastery in transfiguration and became famous around the world for her works about human transfiguration. She denied all accusations about following this career path to fulfill her cat-girl fetishes. Harry became professional quidditch player. Strange disappearances of dark wizard and wannabe dark lords in countries that his team visited were never explained.

Not having to plot Harry's demise Dumbledore did concentrate on war. It has ended before next school year. Of course Voldemort wasn't permanently killed, it's good to have a villain come back from time to time to keep popularity high.

Draco became state ward (which means Dumbledore's) before school year ended. He suffered fatal accident during first potion class in the next year. All Malfoy money were divided between Dumbledore, Madam Bones and Lady Longbottom.

Without Hermione Ron hadn't got any OWLs. Fortunately for him they are not needed for work in ministry, he works in his father department.

After Luna and Harry left The Twins became Tri-Wizard champions. They have used reward money to found very successful joke shop.

Fleur tried dating Bill for couple months, but couldn't stand his mother. She went back to France where she met Sirius Black, they married year later.

Victor Krum continues his carrier as a seeker. He is yet to play against Harry.

Neville finally snapped during his seventh year after learning contents of the prophecy, he killed Snape and Dumbledore and within a week became ruler of Magical Britain. His grandmother finally said she is very proud of him. He permanently killed Voldemort one year later. When asked about it he said that two dark lords are too much for such small island. Despite being dark lord he and Harry maintain friendly relations.

Ginny joined Neville's harem as a first wife.

Gabrielle went to Japan due to newly introduced (by her father) student exchange program. She lives with Harry and girls.

Magical world was exposed to public in 2009 when some spells made by Luna and Hermione (with Gabrielle's help) went wrong. Apparently ICW attempt to convince public that it was Cthulu and alien cat-girl invasion has failed.

Cthulu denied invading Japan.

Hermione still denies having cat-girl fetish.


End file.
